Just Another Crazy Day in My Life.......
I am quite new to blogging. I realize that it has been around for quite some time, however, I've never really had anything to write about. However, lately, I am feeling a lot of emotions and since I type faster than I can write, I decided to start a blog to use a my diary so to speak. I hope you enjoy and can find some comfort in my writing.
Every day my life seems to go the same. I have two small girls (2 & 5) and a wonderful husband whom I've been married to for 9 years this August. I have been a Stay at Home Mom for the past 5 years (WAY longer than I'd anticipated) and just last year started my own Independent Paralegal Services business. So to most, I come across as a well put together individual and some days I do feel that way.
Then there are days like today. During the course of the year 2015, I had a really rough time. I think the idea of mortality finally set in for me and the disguise most young people live life wearing finally began to disappear. That's a hard thing to just realize and I hit a really deep depression. Personally I think it may have been because my best friend had just moved back to Pennsylvania to be with her family and I was left to stay in Tucson. Whatever the case, mortality set in and my life because very dark. One morning I just woke up and decided I really didn't like feeling this way and set out to do something about it. I just felt that I needed some change but I had no idea where to turn.
To get an idea of what its like in my head, I live in Tucson with my children and my husband. We have been here since June 2012. We had no friends, no family and didn't know anyone but had to make the move because my husband needed a job since we were expecting our first daughter. So we made the move and it was really hard at first. Then my daughter was born and gave me a whole new meaning to my life. I began to make "mom friends" and began to sort of create a life for us here to take away some of the pain of having to leave behind my husbands family. It was during this time that I met my very good friend Brooke. She had a son who was born a few weeks before my daughter and was in a similar situation as myself. She too had left her family and friends to come to Tucson because of a job her husband took to provide for his growing family. So we became really good friends and bonus, our kids became great friends too!
So when Brooke left in 2015, it was quite a blow and really hard for me. Harder than I thought it would be since I did grow up in a military town where my friends often had to leave because their parents were transferred to different bases. It was really hard and I had just had my second daughter a couple months prior to her leaving. I was never diagnosed, nor did I ever think it was possible until now, that this could have also been attributed to a bit of postpartum depression. Either way, I hit a really depressive state and just needed to get out of it.
So I picked myself up by bootstraps, as I have done many times in my life, and started making changes. I changed my eating habits to make them better, I started to get out more with my girls and I began going to church! It has been quite an adventure and one that I am still embarking on that seems to have made an unbelievable difference.
In participating in church, the girls and I were accepted, no questions asked. It was truly amazing. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. No one needed to know my background or all the hurt and pain that was my life before I left. Not a single person shamed me for bringing my young children into the sanctuary to be a part of the Gospel. We were baptized at this church and in that simple act, we gained an amazing family. My girls have two loving Godparents that have taken that role and turned it beyond something that I could have ever imagined. Those two people love not only my girls, but me too! The girls Godparents have restored so much in that I didn't even know I'd lost. They allowed me to give my girls something that I never thought I could. They are the love that I never knew existed or was possible.
We have gone to church just about every Sunday since October 2015. Its usually me taking the girls because my husband, who grew up as a Catholic, says that he went enough as a kid and doesn't need to go back. However, he does come on big important events and he's very supportive of my mission and what I'm trying to do for my girls and myself. My girls are usually pretty behaved and when they aren't, there is always someone in the congregation that usually steps up to help out. I think they just love little kids and really like the fact that they are there to listen to God's Word. So in helping me wrangle them, they show a huge support.
There was just something about today though that I just couldn't control. My girls weren't bad, but I just felt a twinge of irritability today for no reason really. So when we went up to take communion (we attend a Lutheran church) today, I just expected they would be good. Usually, they take their cracker and always give Pastor a big huge hug. They did that today and it went fine, but when it came time for me to accept my cracker I stopped paying attention to them. I look over at the wine tray and see my youngest (who is 2) take the wine and no the grape juice the church provides as an alternative for those who need it. The communion assistance tried to remedy the situation but my daughter got upset and pulled her tiny cup of red wine back to keep the assistant from getting it. Well that RED wine was dumped onto the floor and my daughter just walked away like it was nothing. I was really upset.
Then we get into the car to go home and I pop some gum in my mouth because I felt I needed to freshen my breathe a bit. Of course both girls ask for some gum and I think, well its not really fair for me to just have gum so I should give them some. So I do, small pieces mind you and shortly after I hear, mommy, I lost my gum. How do you lose gum? I asked, did you swallow it? No. Is it in your cup holder? No, we can't find it. So we get home and they exit the car where I then search everywhere for this sticky mess that I don't want melted into my car's carpets. I find it no where! So I look them up and down to ensure it wasn't squished onto their clothing. It wasn't.
How do you lose gum? How does it just fall out of your mouth no where to be found? I swear, sometimes the questions that come out of my head and the words that come out of my mouth as a mom surprise me to no end. Seriously, how do you lose gum??? We have an evening planned of swimming and dinner at a friends tonight. I sincerely hope things get better. I'm still feeling irritable, but a lot better since writing this all down.
It is my hope to make this a daily thing. Believe it or not, I actually really enjoy writing. I do have a lot to say and its my hope that my words perhaps have some meaning for others. I'd like to share my experiences and feelings to give others like myself some hope. Perhaps my next post, I will start from the beginning!
Every day my life seems to go the same. I have two small girls (2 & 5) and a wonderful husband whom I've been married to for 9 years this August. I have been a Stay at Home Mom for the past 5 years (WAY longer than I'd anticipated) and just last year started my own Independent Paralegal Services business. So to most, I come across as a well put together individual and some days I do feel that way.
Then there are days like today. During the course of the year 2015, I had a really rough time. I think the idea of mortality finally set in for me and the disguise most young people live life wearing finally began to disappear. That's a hard thing to just realize and I hit a really deep depression. Personally I think it may have been because my best friend had just moved back to Pennsylvania to be with her family and I was left to stay in Tucson. Whatever the case, mortality set in and my life because very dark. One morning I just woke up and decided I really didn't like feeling this way and set out to do something about it. I just felt that I needed some change but I had no idea where to turn.
To get an idea of what its like in my head, I live in Tucson with my children and my husband. We have been here since June 2012. We had no friends, no family and didn't know anyone but had to make the move because my husband needed a job since we were expecting our first daughter. So we made the move and it was really hard at first. Then my daughter was born and gave me a whole new meaning to my life. I began to make "mom friends" and began to sort of create a life for us here to take away some of the pain of having to leave behind my husbands family. It was during this time that I met my very good friend Brooke. She had a son who was born a few weeks before my daughter and was in a similar situation as myself. She too had left her family and friends to come to Tucson because of a job her husband took to provide for his growing family. So we became really good friends and bonus, our kids became great friends too!
So when Brooke left in 2015, it was quite a blow and really hard for me. Harder than I thought it would be since I did grow up in a military town where my friends often had to leave because their parents were transferred to different bases. It was really hard and I had just had my second daughter a couple months prior to her leaving. I was never diagnosed, nor did I ever think it was possible until now, that this could have also been attributed to a bit of postpartum depression. Either way, I hit a really depressive state and just needed to get out of it.
So I picked myself up by bootstraps, as I have done many times in my life, and started making changes. I changed my eating habits to make them better, I started to get out more with my girls and I began going to church! It has been quite an adventure and one that I am still embarking on that seems to have made an unbelievable difference.
In participating in church, the girls and I were accepted, no questions asked. It was truly amazing. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. No one needed to know my background or all the hurt and pain that was my life before I left. Not a single person shamed me for bringing my young children into the sanctuary to be a part of the Gospel. We were baptized at this church and in that simple act, we gained an amazing family. My girls have two loving Godparents that have taken that role and turned it beyond something that I could have ever imagined. Those two people love not only my girls, but me too! The girls Godparents have restored so much in that I didn't even know I'd lost. They allowed me to give my girls something that I never thought I could. They are the love that I never knew existed or was possible.
We have gone to church just about every Sunday since October 2015. Its usually me taking the girls because my husband, who grew up as a Catholic, says that he went enough as a kid and doesn't need to go back. However, he does come on big important events and he's very supportive of my mission and what I'm trying to do for my girls and myself. My girls are usually pretty behaved and when they aren't, there is always someone in the congregation that usually steps up to help out. I think they just love little kids and really like the fact that they are there to listen to God's Word. So in helping me wrangle them, they show a huge support.
There was just something about today though that I just couldn't control. My girls weren't bad, but I just felt a twinge of irritability today for no reason really. So when we went up to take communion (we attend a Lutheran church) today, I just expected they would be good. Usually, they take their cracker and always give Pastor a big huge hug. They did that today and it went fine, but when it came time for me to accept my cracker I stopped paying attention to them. I look over at the wine tray and see my youngest (who is 2) take the wine and no the grape juice the church provides as an alternative for those who need it. The communion assistance tried to remedy the situation but my daughter got upset and pulled her tiny cup of red wine back to keep the assistant from getting it. Well that RED wine was dumped onto the floor and my daughter just walked away like it was nothing. I was really upset.
Then we get into the car to go home and I pop some gum in my mouth because I felt I needed to freshen my breathe a bit. Of course both girls ask for some gum and I think, well its not really fair for me to just have gum so I should give them some. So I do, small pieces mind you and shortly after I hear, mommy, I lost my gum. How do you lose gum? I asked, did you swallow it? No. Is it in your cup holder? No, we can't find it. So we get home and they exit the car where I then search everywhere for this sticky mess that I don't want melted into my car's carpets. I find it no where! So I look them up and down to ensure it wasn't squished onto their clothing. It wasn't.
How do you lose gum? How does it just fall out of your mouth no where to be found? I swear, sometimes the questions that come out of my head and the words that come out of my mouth as a mom surprise me to no end. Seriously, how do you lose gum??? We have an evening planned of swimming and dinner at a friends tonight. I sincerely hope things get better. I'm still feeling irritable, but a lot better since writing this all down.
It is my hope to make this a daily thing. Believe it or not, I actually really enjoy writing. I do have a lot to say and its my hope that my words perhaps have some meaning for others. I'd like to share my experiences and feelings to give others like myself some hope. Perhaps my next post, I will start from the beginning!
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